my voice screaming into the void

I can think of multiple times I should have died. Missing death by seconds, or changing my mind on something. 

I wasn’t supposed to survive after Sophia’s birth. Pre-eclampsia should have progressed to eclampsia.  I should have died. If that timeline had gone as it was supposed to, then Dahlia never would have existed. 

What would have better? Should I have left this world before Sophia even knew what a mother was? Before I gave her a sister,  best friend,  then ripped that away?

What timeline would have been better?

Has my existence caused more harm than good?

It has been 10 months since I lost my beautiful Dahlia. 10 months that I have been waiting to wake up from this nightmare. 

10 months.

My baby, gone.

10 months ago I failed her.

It only took 10 minutes of argument. Only seconds of me losing my temper and scolding her to make her cry.

5 minute drive home.

1 minute for her to give me her phone as punishment.

30 minutes of putting myself in time out. I knew I was wrong to scold her.

1 minute to go to her room.

Then my world ended. Why couldn’t I get the door open? Why was she sitting like that? Why won’t she wake up?

10 months of seeing her with a belt on her neck, hanging from her top bunkbed.

10 months of seeing her asleep, refusing to wake up.

10 months of hearing my own screams.

10 months of watching myself collapse in middle of the road, screaming,  pleading for help.

10 months. This nightmare will never end.

She was only 12 when I lost her. Her sister is 16, and like most 16-year-olds, she is so busy. She has a busy social calendar,  plus school and sports. So even though I still have my 16yo, I feel like I don’t have either of my babies sometimes.  She was gone at camp last week and the house was so quiet. Even though my husband was there with our 3 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 bunnies. The silence without my babies was deafening. 

I’ve lost so much, but I know and appreciate what I do have.

The world should have ended 9 months ago when my world ended. How can people keep going? The most beautiful light burnt out.

10/31/2024, our 20-year anniversary,  was the last true happy day I will ever have. Nate and I enjoyed each other, had fun walking around. The girls had a blast with their friends. Dahlia and Sammie came back early to each Nightmare Before Christmas while they sorted candy.

Dahlia was my spooky buddy. How will I ever enjoy Halloween again without her?

I am Ang, Angel, Angelina, mom, momma, wife, momma to animals and auntie to so many.

I am also someone with a massive hole in my heart. Its not just broken or shatters, because that menas it could be fixed. No, there is a gaping hole. My amazing Dahlia is gone and has been gone almost as long as I carried her. She was at my side for 12 years, 8 months and 8 days. 02/02/2012 to 11/10/2024. We was planned, wanted, and loved deeply by so many. I don’t understand why she left. It was from her own actions, but I dont think she meant to and I could never imagine her making a choice taking her own life.

I am broken. But. I am still me. I am still a mother to Sophia, a wife to Nate, a mom to animals. And now a auntie/extra mom to those kids Dahlia left behind.

I am me.

I need to scream today.